Finding Hope: A Faith-Based Guide on How to Forgive Yourself

I love the movie Inception. It’s exciting, smart, and mind-bending. Despite being a somewhat confusing sci-fi story, it revolves around a character you root for. His name is Dom Cobb, played by Leonardo DiCaprio. He is what you might call a “dream thief.” He hacks into people’s minds while they sleep and steals their secrets. 

The movie revolves around his proverbial “one last job” to get home to his kids. We find out during the movie that his wife has died and that Cobb blames himself. The interesting way the director chose to show his guilt is that while the characters are in the dream world, Cobb’s dead wife, Mol, keeps showing up and sabotaging things. It isn’t the real Mol; it’s a projection of Cobb’s subconscious. The point is that a part of Cobb doesn’t want him to succeed and get home to his kids. He is at war with himself, trying to overcome his self-sabotaging tendencies. So, what does that have to do with forgiving yourself?

This is a surprisingly insightful commentary on how shame and condemnation work.  When we believe deep down that we deserve judgment or punishment or don’t deserve blessings, we tend to behave in ways that actualize our beliefs. For example, if you were a bad spouse in your first marriage, you might feel bad about that. You might think it means you don’t deserve a happy marriage the second time. If you don’t change that belief and forgive yourself, you probably won’t do much to improve things when there are challenges in your marriage. After all, a broken relationship is all you can expect because it’s what you deserve. In this way, our beliefs about ourselves often become self-fulfilling prophecies.

In Shakespeare’s famous play, Macbeth, these witches prophesy to Macbeth that he is going to become King. Upon hearing this, Macbeth decides to murder the present king so he can take the throne. Shakespeare is probably commenting on the manipulative nature of that prophesy. We should ask, “Did they tell the future, or did they cause the future by planting the terrible idea in Macbeth’s head?”

The devil does similar things. He likes to say, “You’re a terrible person,” or “You’re a failure.” The Bible disagrees with that. We were sinners, but when we accept Jesus, He forgives us of all sin and makes us a new creation (2 Cor 5:17-21). We are no longer failures but the “righteousness of God in Christ.” The devil is like those witches. He’s not telling us what’s true. He tells us what he hopes will come true if we believe him. 

So, how do you forgive yourself for past mistakes? How do you forgive yourself for something you feel is unforgivable? What if we have stuff in our past that communicates to us that we are failures, losers, bad people, etc.? If we don’t deal with it, we’ll end up like Cobb in Inception, constantly battling our subconscious, trying to sabotage us. Here’s how to forgive yourself and let go:

First, recognize that sin is real. You can’t be forgiven for something that doesn’t exist. Many modern strategies for eliminating guilt and shame revolve around embracing moral relativism. People say, “You can forgive yourself because it’s not bad. Sin isn’t real; it’s just some made-up religious concept.” There certainly are some made-up religious ideas about sin. My grandma used to think it was a sin to play cards. However, that doesn’t mean all sin is made up. Your conscience knows this. That’s why it condemns you when you do something wrong. So, the first thing to do is recognize that we have real problems. David was great at this. We can read in the Bible that he said, “I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity” (Psalm 32:5a).

This isn’t talking about going on for weeks about how horrible you are. It’s just saying the first step is to honestly acknowledge that you have done something wrong or have some problem. Problems can’t be fixed unless we recognize they are there.

Second, we take our brokenness to Jesus. David says, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord, and you forgave the iniquity of my sin” (Ps 32:5b). Confessing our sins to God doesn’t earn our forgiveness. Jesus forgives us before we ask (Eph 4:32). Confessing our sins does drag them out into the light so Jesus can help us. It also helps us forgive ourselves.

Third, we recognize that the blood of Jesus paid for all of our sins and washes them away (1 John 2:2). It’s helpful to imagine your sins in Jesus on the cross. The idea is to realize that Jesus is paying the penalty for that sin, so you are free from it. Justice is done because Jesus suffered in your place. You don’t have to suffer for your sins because he already did. In fact, if you punish yourself, you are basically saying that what Jesus did wasn’t enough. Self-sabotaging because of shame is trying to pay for something that has already been paid for. 

Fourth, as you meditate on the cross and what Jesus did, say out loud, “I forgive myself for _____.” Fill in whatever you need to forgive yourself for. Sometimes, it can be hard to say the words but make yourself say them out loud. You must hear yourself say it. 

Finally, sometimes this isn’t enough, and we’re still struggling. In this case, we should confess our sins to God and a Christian brother or sister who loves us. James 5:16 says that if we do that, it will release grace for us to be healed. That can be physical healing, but it can also be healing of our emotions and freedom from guilt. When you own up to another person about your problems, and they love you and pray for you instead of condemning you, it goes a long way towards helping you forgive yourself. This can be scary, but it’s worth it! Just pick the person carefully. They need to be a mature person in the Lord.  

God loves you very much. He’s already forgiven you and wants you to forgive yourself!